{"id":4376,"date":"2026-08-09T10:46:21","date_gmt":"2026-08-09T08:46:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/?p=4376"},"modified":"2026-08-17T17:19:15","modified_gmt":"2026-08-17T15:19:15","slug":"when-tolerance-fuels-dysfunctionality","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/quando-tolleranza-alimenta-disfunzionalita\/","title":{"rendered":"Tolerance and Resilience Without Borders: When Resilience Becomes Enabling"},"content":{"rendered":"
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RELATIONSHIPS | BOUNDARIES | CRITICAL THINKING<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When tolerance becomes complicity and resilience becomes self-abandonment: the importance of limits and consequences<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

Tolerance, resilience, and communication can become dysfunctional if applied without discernment. An analysis of limits, consequences, and the point at which to understand someone should no longer require self-denial.<\/p>\n<\/section>\n\n\n\n

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In this article<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

We explore what happens when tolerance, resilience, and communication are applied without discernment, how limits and consequences can disrupt dysfunctional dynamics, and why knowing when to stop trying to be understood can be as important as knowing how to communicate.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Tolerance, resilience, and communication are generally presented as intrinsically positive qualities. We're encouraged to tolerate differences, become more resilient, communicate better, and continue to seek understanding, as if the problem in every dysfunctional relationship could ultimately be solved by adding more patience, more empathy, and more communication.

I believe this perspective is incomplete, because none of these qualities are particularly useful without discernment.

Tolerance can be valuable when it allows diverse people, needs, and perspectives to coexist without requiring uniformity. Resilience can help us overcome difficulties without being defined by them. Communication can create the conditions for understanding, clarification, and authentic connection. The problem begins when these concepts are treated as absolute virtues and therefore applied regardless of context, reciprocity, or consequences.

At that point, tolerance can become an excuse, resilience can transform into the ability to tolerate situations that probably need changing (it thus becomes a survival strategy, a dysfunctional coping mechanism), and communication can become an exhausting attempt to connect with someone who has no real interest in meeting us on that ground.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Tolerance without discernment becomes self-abandonment.<\/strong><\/strong>
Resilience without boundaries becomes a license for abuse.<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Communication requires someone willing to understand<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I work in the communications field, so I obviously recognize its importance. I also believe that one of the most important communication skills is recognizing when communication has reached its limits.

We often assume that misunderstanding is primarily a language issue: perhaps we didn't explain ourselves clearly enough, perhaps we should choose different words, provide more context, tone down our tone, or try again. Sometimes this is true, and changing the way we communicate can completely transform the outcome of an interaction.

Sometimes, however, the problem isn't that the other person can't understand what we're saying. Understanding us would require them to question the interpretation they're supposed to maintain, the role they've assigned us, or, more fundamentally, something about themselves.

This distinction is important.

There is a considerable difference between communicating with someone who struggles to understand us and communicating with someone who needs to misunderstand us in order to maintain an existing psychological balance.<\/strong>

In the second situation, endlessly improving our communication serves little purpose, since the obstacle is no longer primarily communicative in nature. We're dealing with resistance.

The ego has a protective function: it organizes the identity, beliefs, and narratives through which we interpret ourselves and reality. When new information threatens that structure, the natural response isn't always curiosity. It can be denial, projection, distortion, or an attempt to force the other person to reconform to the familiar role that restores the previous equilibrium.

This is why some conversations seem to repeat themselves endlessly despite increasingly precise explanations. We continue to view the situation as a communication problem, while the other person, more or less consciously, views it as an identity problem.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Communication serves to create understanding and therefore connection. When someone repeatedly uses communication to fuel misunderstanding, you're no longer communicating. You're participating in a dysfunctional dynamic.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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You can't convince someone to want to see something just by talking.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

There's a widespread belief that greater empathy and improved communication can resolve almost any relationship conflict. I find this belief particularly dangerous when it places the responsibility for the bond almost entirely on the person who is already making the greatest effort to create it.

Communication requires reciprocity, even when that reciprocity is imperfect. It requires at least a certain willingness to receive information that might contradict our current interpretation, to tolerate discomfort, and to consider the possibility that our perception may be incomplete.

Without this availability, communication becomes progressively less useful.
You can explain your intentions, clarify your meaning, acknowledge your mistakes, listen to the other person's point of view, and adjust your behavior when appropriate. What you can't do is force another person to examine the psychological function their interpretation of you is serving.

At a certain point, continuing to justify yourself can even reinforce that dynamic.

If someone repeatedly devalues you, distorts what you say, or demands constant validation while refusing to address the insecurity that generates that need, your constant availability may become part of the mechanism that allows that behavior to continue. You may believe you're being compassionate, patient, or emotionally mature, while in reality, you're shielding the other person from the consequences of their choices.

This is where boundaries become relevant.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Consequences are part of communication<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A boundary is often interpreted as a punishment, especially by those who have benefited from its previous absence. Yet a healthy boundary doesn't necessarily have to be punitive. It simply changes the conditions under which we're willing to participate in a relationship.<\/strong>

If a person repeatedly behaves in a way that makes a relationship unsustainable, the eventual loss or transformation of that relationship isn't necessarily an arbitrary punishment imposed on that person. It may be the logical consequence of the dynamic they themselves helped create.

Consequences \u2013 actions \u2013 provide information that words sometimes fail to convey.<\/strong>

If I repeatedly tell you that a certain behavior is damaging our relationship, yet remain available indefinitely regardless of whether that behavior changes or not, there's a contradiction between what I'm communicating verbally and what I'm communicating through my actions. My words say the situation is unsustainable; my behavior demonstrates that, in reality, it can continue indefinitely.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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My words say the situation is unsustainable; my behavior demonstrates, however, that it can, in reality, continue indefinitely.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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The border resolves that contradiction.

It gives the other person a more accurate picture of what their choices actually produce.
They might not like that image. They might interpret it as rejection, cruelty, selfishness, or a lack of empathy. They might still refuse to examine their own behavior. A boundary doesn't guarantee awareness, and consequences don't automatically lead to change.
However, they create the possibility for change by eliminating our participation in the mechanism that prevented it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Unconditional love does not require unconditional access<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

This is precisely where, in my opinion, the concept of unconditional love is often misunderstood.
Loving someone without trying to control their identity doesn't logically imply supporting every expression of who that person chooses to be at that moment. Accepting that another person has the right to make their own choices also means accepting that those choices have consequences, and that we have the equivalent right to decide on our own participation.

Otherwise, what we call unconditional love becomes strangely unidirectional: one person is free to act on their own wounds, fears, needs, and unresolved patterns, while the other is expected to demonstrate love by absorbing the consequences.

I don't consider this love. I consider it a suspension of discernment.

If I sincerely recognize another person's autonomy, I also recognize their responsibility for their choices. Constantly protecting someone from the relational consequences of one's behavior can therefore become a subtle way of denying their autonomy.

We cannot simultaneously insist that adults be responsible for themselves and then treat every consequence of their choices as something from which they must be protected.

Sometimes allowing someone to lose access to a relationship they continue to devalue is the clearest information we can give them.
What he does with that information remains his choice.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Resilience is only useful when we ask ourselves why we need to be resilient.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I have similar reservations about the way resilience is often talked about.

Resilience is useful when it helps us adapt to difficulties that can't be immediately avoided or changed. It becomes much less useful when it's celebrated as the ability to endlessly tolerate what should instead be questioned, confronted, or left behind.

I'll be brutally honest: resilience, as it's often praised, feels like a trap set by manipulators to entice victims into tolerating certain abuses.
I think, instead, that resilience should be an exception and, possibly, an investment on which there must be a return: I resist and adapt for a while, wisely, and in return I get something (first and foremost, ideally, an escape from the difficult situation that required the temporary "sacrifice").
I call it the ROI of resilience: instead of asking \u201chow much can I bear?\u201d<\/em>, ask \u201cWhy am I putting up with this, how long and what should it allow me to achieve?\u201d<\/em>.
Resilience without ROI is, therefore, merely a useless sacrifice, convenient only for some manipulative narcissist. It may be convenient for an abusive partner, but also for an employer, a dysfunctional family, an organization, or even a social system that prefers to teach people to adapt rather than change the conditions that make that adaptation necessary.

Being able to survive in a dysfunctional environment does not make that environment healthy, and increasing our capacity to tolerate it does not necessarily represent growth.
This distinction applies to relationships, families, workplaces, and even entire social systems. If the only solution proposed for a harmful environment is to make individuals more resilient, the responsibility silently shifts from the system that causes the harm to the person who suffers it.<\/strong>
The same mechanism manifests itself in interpersonal relationships. Instead of asking ourselves whether a dynamic is mutual, respectful, and sustainable, we ask ourselves whether we could become more patient, less reactive, more tolerant, or better at managing our emotions.
These may all be useful questions, but they are not the only ones.

We also need to ask ourselves whether continuing to adapt is actually the appropriate response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Resilience is functional when it increases the future capacity to escape, change, regain autonomy, or achieve something that justifies the cost incurred. It becomes dysfunctional when it primarily serves to make an unsustainable situation more sustainable, without changing its conditions.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Discernment involves the recognition of incompatibility<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Not all conflicts indicate dysfunction, and not all incompatibilities necessarily need to be resolved (I also discussed this in the article Conflict or Incompatibility? The Ego's Deception).

Two people can have different values, levels of awareness, priorities, needs, or ways of relating, without either being intrinsically wrong. The insistence that every difference must eventually be resolved can itself become a form of control.

Sometimes understanding the other person more deeply leads to a deeper connection. Sometimes, however, it leads to the recognition that the relationship can no longer continue in the same form.

Both outcomes can represent successful communication.

We often consider effective communication only when it preserves the relationship, but this presupposes that preservation should always be the goal. Instead, I believe the purpose of conscious communication is to clarify reality. Once reality becomes clearer, the appropriate decision may be to connect, renegotiate, distance, or separate.

Clarity does not guarantee us the outcome we prefer.

This is why, for me, discernment is more important than tolerance understood as an abstract value. Discernment requires us to observe what is actually happening, rather than automatically applying a moral rule that tells us what a "good," loving, resilient, or empathetic person should tolerate.

It also requires us to examine our own egos, as remaining in a dysfunctional dynamic can fuel an identity as much as create one. We may need to feel needed, to be perceived as understanding, to offer help, to prove that we are different from the people who hurt us, or to maintain the belief that sufficient love can ultimately change the other person.

At that point, our tolerance is no longer exclusively about them.
It also tells us something about ourselves.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Boundaries give reality something that words cannot express.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

There is a point where another explanation does not add any new information.

You've expressed yourself. The other person has received enough information to understand how their behavior affects you. They may disagree with your interpretation, and they have the right to do so, but disagreement doesn't obligate you to continue participating in the same dynamic.
The next piece of information may then have to come from reality rather than another conversation.
Distance can be information. Reduced access can be information. The end of a relationship can be information. None of these outcomes should be used strategically to manipulate the other person into changing; in fact, the moment a boundary becomes a technique to elicit a particular response, it ceases to be an authentic boundary and becomes another form of control.

A boundary concerns what I will do in response to a situation I can no longer participate in. What the other person does next is theirs.

They might use the consequence to question themselves, recognize a pattern, and change. They might repeat the exact same pattern with someone else. They might construct a narrative in which you are entirely responsible for what happened.
Your interpretation does not determine whether your limit was legitimate.

There is a particular kind of maturity in accepting that another person's path may have consequences you cannot prevent without sacrificing yourself, and that their evolution is ultimately beyond your control.

Communication is of fundamental importance, but communication also involves knowing when there is nothing more to explain (\u201cif certain things could be understood, they would not need to be explained\u201d is a great truth).

Tolerance has value, but only when we remain capable of recognizing what we are tolerating and why.<\/strong>

Resilience has value, but only when it serves our capacity to live, rather than merely increases our capacity to endure.

Love has value, but love without discernment can easily turn into participation in someone else's unresolved dynamics.

Sometimes the most respectful thing we can do for another person, and for ourselves, is to stop interfering with the feedback their choices are already producing, and to accept the incompatibility, instead of exhausting ourselves trying to tolerate it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Questions for critical reflection<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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  1. What is my personal definition of tolerance, and where does it come from? Does it help me recognize and respect differences, or have I learned to associate tolerance with tolerating behaviors and situations that have negative consequences for me or others?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. What's my definition of resilience? Do I understand resilience as the ability to bounce back, adapt, and make informed decisions in challenging circumstances, or primarily as my ability to endure them for as long as possible?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. What am I tolerating right now, and why am I tolerating it? If I set aside ideas about what a good, loving, mature, loyal, or understanding person should tolerate, would I still choose to remain available in this situation?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. What do I fear might happen if I stopped tolerating it? Am I afraid of being alone, of losing the relationship, of disappointing someone, of provoking a reaction, of being judged selfish, or of becoming, in my mind, responsible for their suffering?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  5. Does my tolerance produce constructive consequences for everyone involved, or does it simply facilitate the maintenance of an already existing dysfunctional balance? What behavior becomes possible precisely because I continue to shoulder its consequences?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  6. Is my resilience actually helping me change or cope with a difficult situation, or has it become an identity that allows me to remain in that situation? Do I derive a sense of value, superiority, strength, or moral merit from being the person who can endure more, forgive more, or understand more than others?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  7. When I continue to explain myself, am I actually communicating new information, or am I trying to gain understanding from someone who has repeatedly demonstrated an unwillingness to question their own interpretation of me?<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
  8. What would happen if I stopped protecting this person from the consequences of their choices? Am I respecting their autonomy and responsibility, or am I assuming that I'm responsible for managing their emotions, reactions, and personal development for them?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  9. Is the relationship based on who I really am or on the role the other person needs me to continue to play? What happens when I act outside of that role, express a different need, set boundaries, or simply stop giving them what they expect of me?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  10. If I stopped defining love, empathy, tolerance, and resilience by how much I'm willing to tolerate, how would my behavior change? What relationships, habits, or situations would I approach differently if their value were measured by their actual consequences rather than the identity I've built around tolerating them?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
    \n

    It is easier to understand the pattern by looking at it from the outside<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    You may be able to answer some of these questions immediately. Others may be more difficult, especially if you've spent years adapting to a situation and what you tolerate has gradually become your definition of what's normal, loving, responsible, or resilient.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    This is where an outside perspective can prove helpful. During individual counseling, we can analyze your situation, reconstruct the recurring dynamics, and distinguish what's yours from what you may have learned to shoulder on behalf of someone else. The goal isn't to tell you whether to stay, leave, forgive, or set a clear boundary, but to understand the problem precisely enough to allow you to make more informed decisions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    If you've already thought about the situation at length but still find yourself asking the same questions, perhaps a different explanation isn't what you need. You might just need a different perspective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
    book a consultation<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Tolerance, resilience, and communication can become dysfunctional when applied without discernment. Reflecting on the value of boundaries and consequences, and on when to stop trying to be understood, becomes part of communication 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de Simone","author_link":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/author\/wp_11702012\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Tolleranza, resilienza e comunicazione possono diventare disfunzionali quando vengono applicate senza discernimento. Una riflessione sul valore dei confini e delle conseguenze e su quando smettere di cercare di farsi comprendere diventa parte della comunicazione stessa.","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4376","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4376"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4376\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4573,"href":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4376\/revisions\/4573"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4353"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4376"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4376"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.elisadesimone.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4376"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}